I'm in my senior year of my dance BFA, and we have just returned to in-person classes. Things are different now, like we dance with masks on and I try to sanitize constantly, but my mindset coming into this year is new too. Taking some time away from the studios and dance class is something I've never really done for more than 3 months since the 5th grade. During quarantine I took a couple online dance classes, but for the most part I did a lot of work on myself and discovered practices outside of dance that make me happy including painting, cooking, writing, meditating and running. Having this time to myself has been transformative for me, so the first day back to dance classes was kind of a shock to the mind and body.
When you think of a dance class, you probably think of skinny, white girls in pink tights with slicked back buns all in unison, gliding across the floor with elegance and control. This is not the case for all dance classes, but a lot of times it feels as if that is the goal for more classical techniques such as ballet and modern. Someone in the front of the room demands unison, control, nothing out of place and all looking the same. Walking into class this year, I realized, that is kind of... toxic.
The moment was specifically in one of my modern dance classes, when we were all facing the diagonal doing a flat-black series. I was so tense, so anxious that my body would do something to appear out of place and catch the eye of the teacher. Which is completely crazy, because each of us have different bodies that look different and move differently with their unique limitations. In high school after over ten years of dancing, I was finally told that everyone's bodies are different and that we may not all be able to accomplish the same movements in the same way. This blew my mind, because I had been trying for over a decade to force my body to look like the teachers' or other students'. And now, I am wondering what type of effect this training has had on my mind and perception of myself.
That moment in modern class made me feel like we were these little obedient dancing robots. I have been studying and practicing how to look the same and move the same as other people for my entire life. Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to discover my own movement style and how to add my personality into my dancing through less traditional teachers, as well as improvisation, jazz and theatre dance classes. A lot of dancers claim dance is the way they express themselves, but how much can you really express yourself when you have a dress code of leotards are tights, as well as an expectation to look, move, and act a certain way. The idea that we should all look the same lends itself to racism as well, explaining why some high ranking American ballet companies are just now promoting their first black principal dancers. I think this sort of indoctrination also occurs in grade school. Sometimes kids have to wear a uniform and most follow a dress code, also while not being given a choice in what they are taught. For sometimes ten hours a day between school and dance I would be doing what teachers told me to do, wearing what they told me to wear, and learning what they told me to learn. I cannot help but assume that my creativity and individuality has been dulled by these experiences.
It feels as if the words of the teacher are law sometimes. Like I am a sinner and disgracing the “dance gods” if I don't rotate my back leg in arabesque. In reality, there are no dance gods and nobody will die if you flex your foot every once in a while. The pressure to accomplish these tasks is sometimes so intense, it kind of feels like there will be some sort of terrible consequences. Oftentimes, it is the language they use to correct a student that may send them into a spiral of self hatred, or reinforce the idea that it is absolutely ESSENTIAL you perform as told. Having that much power over a young person is what leads to the systems of abuse we see in the news (Larry Nassar of USA gymnastics, Peter Martin of the School of American Ballet). When you feel the need to do anything and everything to please the teacher, it’s insanely easy to be taken advantage of. Maybe I just take their words too seriously, but it's hard not to when it has been drilled into us since a young age to aim to please the teacher. It would make sense that so many dancers have body image or other mental health issues considering that we are constantly told how we "should" look. Our teachers may have some harsh attitudes because of the environments that they were taught in. Their mentors were probably even more demanding of perfection, and did not take a moment to consider the mental effects of their words on their students. It’s 2020 now, and it’s time the dance world catches up and stops allowing for teachers to destroy students’ mental health.
Of course, I know that these exercises and the rules we follow all serve a purpose, and they are important for us to learn to be professional dancers. They strengthen our bodies or build muscle memory to avoid injury. But the funny part is, after all these years of teaching us how to fit in, a choreographer will walk in and say, "I'm looking for something different, I want to see the real you." How are we supposed to know who we are as individuals when we have been molded for years to fit a certain aesthetic?
So this year, I'm working on remembering that these classes are just that: Classes. Exercises. Practice. Studying. I can take it or leave it. I can apply what I learn to my own movement vocabulary and transform it to fit me. I am not a disgrace for messing up. Who cares if I'm not on my leg? I mean I care, because I want to be a better dancer, but it is definitely not the end of the world. We should all be questioning what we are told by our teachers as well as society at large. Evoking questions and conversations allows us to grow beyond the traditions of the past, and make the world better.
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